Do you ever have those moments where you can't believe you've actually done something? I sometimes wonder how I ever get to a place in my life where I am unaware of my actions, my thoughts, or the affect they have on others around me. No matter how hard I try to reach perfection, to be a "good person", to put others first, or to live a pure and holy life, I seem to fail.
Pure and holy. A concept that is far displaced from our fallen world, and often absent from my own life. To live in a way that honors God in all moments, both in what is hidden and exposed. And while we put on a facade of a sparkling, white life, we fail to realize just how far sunk we are in the own disgusting mire and muck of our sin. No one is holy, no one is righteous. Holiness has the ability to stand before God the Creator completely naked and bear no hint of shame. Purity reflects a lifestyle of honest, transparent beauty, that should a light be held up to it, it will shine right through.
My life lacks all traces of transparent, raw beauty. Instead, I put on the act each day... I wear the pressed clothes, I glue a fake smile to my face, I say kosher things and try to be nice. Deep inside, though, where noone else can see, is a broken, vomitous soul. If you etch away the white coating, you would find nothing but ashen black; charred, muddied filth.
Everything about my existence sickens me. I think about the things I have said or done in my life over the years and find myself wishing I could take them back. If only I could make up for my mistakes, for the ways I've hurt other people, for the sins I've committed against my Maker.
I see the Lord, seated on His throne, exalted. While the train of His robe fills the temple with glory, I see but a sad tear fall from his eye. His heart breaks over the selfish choices His child makes, and He can't do anything but hope she returns to His arms, where she belongs. It is not til I lift my face out of the muck and slime that I realize, His robe is covering me... He covers my shame, he covers my guilt... and as I rise to my feet, choosing to leave my life of sin and selfishness, I feel his warmth and grace wash over me, releasing the weight I've been carrying. Oh, how He loves us, so much to lift us up out of our darkest moments, to cover me and wash me white as snow.
Oh, Father above, make me whole. Wash me white as snow. Forgive me my transgressions. Lead me back to the Cross; to your healing grace. Wrap me safe in your arms. Lord, save me from myself.
