Wanting

It's funny to me how we always seem to want what we can't have.  And, to add to the irony, we never seem to realize we want it until it's out of reach or off-limits.  For example,  what a wonderful concept Christmas Break is!  I get two weeks of sleeping in (still working in the afternoons), and will have a four day weekend when Christmas rolls around later this week.  My Christmas Break started early, as school was cancelled the last two days of my previous week.  That said, I've been relaxing at home with my husband (who was also unable to get to work) for the past 5 days.  

Yes, it all sounds wonderful doesn't it?  Yet this morning I woke up PRAYING that I could go to work today!  All I've done the past two weeks is said "Oh, I can't wait for Christmas break!" and then it comes, and you know what I want? To go back to work!  Doesn't our God have immense patience?! And what do you know, I couldn't go to work today... No, the snow plower seemed to have thought it a good idea to plow our parking lot and pile up all the snow behind the parked cars.  While humorous, it prevented me yet again from having what I want.  

But you see, tomorrow, when I go to work from 8-5 or so, I'm going to complain and say all I want to do is be at home next to the Christmas tree with my cup of coffee and my book, as I've done for the past 5 days.  The grass is always greener, is it not?

So, my challenge to myself today and for this week, especially in light of the Christmas time, I want to be content and grateful for the things, people, and situations God has given me.  Who am I to ask for more/different when I am loved, warm, and well-cared for... not to mention saved for all eternity!  

In the words of St. Francis of Assisi:

"O Divine Master, grant that I may not so much seek to be consoled as to console;

to be understood as to understand;

to be loved as to love.

For it is in giving that we receive;

it is in pardoning that we are pardoned;

and it is in dying that we are born to eternal life."

Snowed In

For those of you following my blog simply for the purpose of praying for N, I'll forewarn you that this blog is completely unrelated to his current condition - haven't received any updates in the last couple days. 

As most of you know, my current residence - Spokane, Washington - got hit hard with a snowstorm this week.  We got 22" of snow, lots of wind, and now are experiencing subzero temperatures.  For those of you who know the author of these posts, you know I have lived in Northwest Oregon my entire life, therefore, completely unprepared for the past couple days. I came home early from work on Wednesday, and Mac and I were snowed in Thursday and Friday.  They finally came and plowed our side-street this morning and we were able to get out to buy some shovels (to dig out Mac's entirely buried car), and get the other essentials (such as milk and coffee makings).  It's been quite the adventure, I must say.  While I've been fairly productive working on Christmas presents, and I've enjoyed some quality time with my new husband, it's also been quite the challenge.

We've finally had the opportunity to meet our neighbors (the ones next to us and the ones below us), as we helped both of them get their vehicles unstuck.  That has been a joy to be able to help other people to the best of our ability, and I do thank God for that bit of light in this semi-depressing situation.  

Considering the isolation of the past 3 1/2 days, I've been thinking a lot about friendships, past and current.  My heart aches as I think of those I cherish, mostly friends from Oregon, but others as well.  I do not think myself worthy nor capable of questioning God's will, knowing that He plans and works all things out for the good of those who love him.  However, I do wonder why so many of the friendships that I've banked on have come to a seeming halt with the recent move to Spokane and my wonderful, new marriage.  Again, a lesson from the Lord... my pride has never quite allowed me to see how much I love and need the people he has placed in my life, even if they are far gone by now.  I guess I'm on a tangent, now (recall the title of my blog), but I hope that you know how grateful I am to you and for your presence (whether previously, now, or both) in my life.  I would never be where I am today, following my God and living my life for my Savior if it weren't for the loved ones in my life who have challenged me to pursue my goals, my dreams, and my faith.  

Do you ever have those moments when you just want to hide in the closet with a blanket wrapped around you and cry your eyes out for no apparent reason?  I wouldn't consider myself a real crier, per say, but I do have my moments.  Being snowed in triggered one of these moments.  I guess I just miss everyone... my husband is wonderful and I wouldn't trade him for the world, but we both know we need other people in our lives to interact with and build relationship with.  I'm really struggling with the reality that all those other people of mine are at least 8 hours away and will not be seen for at least 4 more months.  I guess I just want you all to know I miss you.

The last piece of my mini-depression today involved a trip to the Washington Department of Driver Licensing.  Yes, I do indeed have to get a Washington's driver's license, seeing as my name has changed and the insurance policy won't stay affective unless I'm a WA driver.  That hit me hard for some reason... I'm not ready to be called a "Washingtonian" - I have always considered this move temporary, and know that someday we will go back to Oregon, my wonderful green home.  But, I guess it just sets it in stone that I've entered a new phase of life, and I am going to live here as long as God calls us to serve in this area.  

Change, I don't mind... permanent change, a little harder to handle.

Anyway, I think I've had a enough self-pitying for a day.  Sorry if this blog depressed you; I hope it cheered you up to know you're treasured and thought of.

A friend of mine always puts a song of the day up... well, this is my song of the day:

"You Get Used to Somebody" - Tim McGraw

Visit #3

I got to see N today in the rehab center.  It was a blessing to have some one-on-one time with him, and also to know that I was giving the nurse a break since someone has to be with him at all times and the parents are hardly ever there.  He really has made amazing progress, just as I stated in my last update.  

It brought tears to my eyes when I walked in and his whole face lit up - smiles and all - which was a huge improvement from last time when he showed no facial expression.  I asked him if he remembered me and he said very quietly (as he says everything very quietly), "Yes, you're Mikaela" with a huge smile on his face. I miss him so much.  

I sat with him for about 2 hours, talking to him, watching cartoons with him, and helping him when he needed something.  As far as conversation goes, he fully understands everything said to him, and much better at responding to me.  He is able to talk in full sentences, as mentioned previously, but it takes him a long time to complete one.  I noticed the trend was getting stuck at specific nouns.  For example, he could easily say "I want a..." but when it came to what exactly he wanted, he had a hard time finding the right word or being able to say it.  It was very apparent that this frustrated him and he kept getting agitated when he couldn't finish his thought.  It took him about 10 minutes to complete the sentence "I want a toy."  On the other hand, the factual side of his brain seems to be fully present - when I asked him if he knew that Christmas was coming soon, he said "yes, in thirteen days."  He also said in response to the snow outside that he wanted to wear his boots.

He's very good at helping to push his wheelchair, and likes to get out of it when he can.  I even got to see him walk to the bathroom (with a bit of assistance from the nurse).  He let me know he needed to use the bathroom, that he wanted to lay down on his bed, and that he was hungry for dinner, all of which I was able to tell the nurse.  As his verbal communication is slowly coming back, he is also learning to sign, and will sign "yes" to questions when I can't understand his mumbles or his head movements.  (He has a lot of ticks and twitches still).  

I know he's lonely... he really did not want me to leave, but he was about to fall asleep, so I told him I would come back next week, which made him happy.  Keep the prayers coming - it's looking hopeful!  Good will come of this whole situation, and I'm still praying that God works on my heart and helps me find more little blessings; like talking more with other people who care for N, and appreciating the little guy for who he is, hardships and all.  The situation has allowed me to converse more with co-workers I don't normally talk to, so that has been helpful in feeling a little more connected up here.  But, I don't want to turn the attention of this hardship on me at all - it's about N and about God making his glory known through it all.  

Like always, I will keep you all updated when I know more.  As for now, we can only expect good news.  

GOOD NEWS!

Thank you so much for all your prayers - they've been answered! I have constantly stressed that my biggest request was that N would talk and walk again, and praise the Lord, he's doing both! Saturday he took 60 steps independently which is incredible.  As of Tuesday, he was barely standing on his own.  Also, Tuesday, when I saw him, he was not talking at all... by Thursday he was saying "yeah" and "okay" and by Saturday he was speaking in full sentences - slurred and hard to understand, but sentences nonetheless!  

In addition, he was able to point at photos of his classmates and say their name, which is a great sign regarding his memory.  My coworkers who have seen him more recently than myself say that he is beginning to show his old personality again, and the N we all know, love, and that drives us crazy is coming back - really, that's the best news I've heard in a long time!  

Today he was moved from the children's hospital to the rehab clinic, so that is also good news.  Keep the prayers going upward and I'll keep you updated.  I'm hoping to go see him Wednesday or Thursday this week; I want to talk to him and pass on greetings to him from people who love him.  

Again thank you!  The little guy would thank you too, if he knew you had such a committed part in his recovery.  

Still Waiting

We're always waiting for something, aren't we?  Most of the United States is just waiting for Christmas right now - especially little kids.  We're waiting for the snow to come.  Waiting for the economy to get better.  Waiting for a change.  Waiting for anything.  

On a more personal level, I've been waiting also.  The past week I've been waiting for a Christmas tree.  Up until October 18th, I was just waiting to be married.  Now, and for the next several months, we're just waiting to move closer to family. 

I am not sure why we are constantly waiting instead of doing.  Why am I not DOING something about lacking a tree?  Why have I not just enjoyed every moment of each day, as it is, not hoping for more or waiting for what is to come.  We miss out on so much as we wait for future events... 

Taking a different twist on the word "waiting", I am still waiting for more information/updates on N.  I haven't heard anything new since I last saw him on Tuesday, and I am assuming I won't hear anything more until I go and visit him again this week.  I've been trying to focus on the funny and worthwhile stories I have of my time with him before his accident, rather than worrying about his current state.  Of course, it is both expected and acceptable to have concern for the little guy, but worrying isn't going to help anything.  As I've said many times before, N is a truly a fighter, and he's going to recover from this tragedy... we don't know how far he'll come or how long it will take, but nothing is going to stand in this kid's way of getting out of that hospital bed.  

So, with that, a couple of laugh-provoking stories starring the now infamous N.B.:

Mac and I were walking through Lowe's today and I thought of the countless hours this summer walking through stores.  N has an obsessive need to touch absolutely EVERYTHING in any store, paying no attention to the fact that he will most likely break it and I most likely will pay for it, which will also most likely result in N throwing a tantrum which in turn means I will most likely draw lots of attention to myself as I physically remove him from the premises.  So, we walk through stores to practice asking before touching things.  One particular outing went like this:

N: Mikaela, can I please touch that?

Me: No.

N: WHY NOT?!?!?!

Me: That's a washing machine, N.  Read the price tag.

N: $15.69?

Me: Try again.

N: $150.69?

Me: Nope, try again buddy.

N: $1,569?

Me: Yep... that's a lot of money so we don't want to break that.

N: Yeah, that's too expensive for me to touch!

And then we move on to the refrigerator aisle and start the conversation again.

That's all I can do for today, as I wait.

Prayer requests: Continued healing and progress in his therapy for N.  Also, a peaceful night's sleep for me.  I haven't had one since the accident.

Visit #2

Well, we did it... we went and visited N at the hospital today.  It really is a depressing ordeal to visit a child at the hospital... pretty much the saddest thing I have ever encountered.  

The good news is he was very alert, responsive to questions, although he will not respond unless told exactly what to do.  For example, we couldn't just say, "Do you want your sock off?" We said, "If you want your sock off, raise your foot, if not put it down."  But, the fact that he is comprehending what a sock and a foot is and the action of putting it up or down in connection with what he wants is great progress and quite encouraging.  He wanted me to rub his head for a while, which was cute - he put his arm up when he wanted me to keep going.  When we left, he squeezed each of our hands and waved goodbye on command.  

He spends time each day with the PT, OT, and Speech Therapist.  The good thing is, he doesn't have to relearn each task - he remembers the process of walking, of brushing his teeth, even of doing puzzles... it's just a matter of getting his body to do what he wants it to, which is where the biggest challenge is.  

One of the saddest realizations I came to after this visit was that the two things N loves to do most are talk and run... and as of right now, it appears it will be a long time before he will do either, if ever again.  

Another fact I realized tonight is that the parents are always going to say something that makes me burn inside and that is just plain wrong.  So, from this point on, just assume it's always a prayer request that they show love to their little boy and that God replaces my hatred with grace.  They are not worth mentioning in my updates of N, so you won't hear about them or the horrible comments they make.

Again, thank you for your prayers and for desiring to stay updated on our little buddy.  I might go see him again on Friday, but I'll write as soon as I hear anything new.

Receiving Info

I got a brief update today... two of my coworkers went to see N yesterday, and said that he looked even better than Wednesday.  He now responds to yes/no questions with a thumbs up/down sign, which is HUGE improvement and a great sign of his brain beginning to function again.  He still cannot talk or walk, and needed help standing to brush his teeth.  

Got some more news on things the parents are doing that make us pretty darn angry, all in regards to getting money.  If you know N and want to know the details on that, just call/ask.  Pray that I do not let this feed my hatred of the two.

My coworker and I are going to go visit N tomorrow afternoon, so I'll have more of a personal update after that.  

Thanks for your prayers - keep them coming; N needs all the prayers he can get!

Improvement

I sucked it up and went to the children's hospital today to see N.  This was incredibly difficult for me for three reasons - 1.) I really despise hospitals and trying to navigate my way around them. 2.) I dread any interaction with N's parents. 3.) Most importantly, I didn't think I could handle seeing N this way.

I'll give the good news first.  N was moved out of PICU (Pediatric) at about noon today and put in general pediatrics.  He is now considered "awake" (Out of the coma!!), and took two steps with help on command this morning.  He seemed pretty alert when I was there - I took him "The Little Engine That Could" and a stuffed animal monkey (because N once told me he was a monkey and he loves to climb EVERYTHING).  When I put the monkey on his lap, he grabbed it with his right hand and started bouncing it up and down on the rail, as if it was walking... he made lots of noises while doing this, and when I talked to him, he looked at me, though I'm not sure he recognized me, it was good to see that he was responding to other people.

The tough news - N can't talk.  He makes lots of noises, but they are all grunts and coos.  His eyes are only part open, but his mom said they are the most open they've been yet... which means there's improvement, which is good.  He is showing limited use of his left side which could be a result of many things, but the main point is - we want him to start using that side.  He would try and sit up to play with the monkey but fall over on his left side because his left arm was still behind him.  He was very agitated, which is not all that abnormal, considering it's N.  It's going to be very slow going, but as I said before, this kid's a fighter.  He's showing us all he's going to be okay.  He'll need lots of PT, Speech Therapy, and others, but he'll be okay.  I hope.

Prayer - pray for patience of the doctors and N's parents; trying to keep this kid in a hospital bed hooked up to machines will be no easy task.  Pray that he continues to improve and that they discover what is causing the immobility of his left side.  Pray that as he improves, the issues of his life after hospital will work out, and that if at all possible, he can be put in a safe home. 

Thank you, everyone for your prayers and concerns... it means a lot to me, and I know N would be ecstatic if he knew he was the center of so many people's attention.

Hate

A lot of my previous posts (which I apologize for being so scarce lately) have been inspired by the wonderful little boy that I spend most of my afternoons with.  To completely disregard the fact that he is a handful, often verbally and physically attempts to hurt me, and just sometimes is plain difficult would be untruthful.  But, underneath it all, I have come to grow and cherish the little guy; he is sincere beyond belief - and truly has a tender heart when it comes down to it. 

This post is inspired by him as well, and is seemingly difficult for me to write.  Over the past two days, I've been bottling up emotions and thoughts that I need to let out. 

Thirty-six hours ago I found out that this nine-year-old boy I've been working with for the last four months was hit by a car when riding his bike without a helmet.  He was life-flighted to the children's hospital in Spokane where he is in ICU, in a coma, suffering traumatic brain injury.  I don't know all the details, but all I know is it's not looking good.  When I first listened to the message I was in complete shock.  When I actually talked to someone about it, I was incredibly saddened, scared, but in all honestly, mostly angry.  I have never struggled with hating people, but this situation has brought out a new feeling of anger and rage that I have never experienced.  Because of confidentiality and my conscience, I cannot share the details behind this emotion.  NB deserved more than this and I just wish I could do something about it.  All I can do right now, though, is cry and feel sick, and try everything to focus on Thanksgiving instead of this awful event.  And in the midst of it all, I keep trying to suppress the feeling of my throat closing up and my lung being compressed by an heavy black burden.  

More to come on NB when I can pull myself together.  Pray for the ones I hate, pray for me that I will forgive, pray for the innocent 19-year-old girl that hit NB... but mostly, please, please, please, pray hardest for my little buddy.  He's a fighter.  Pull through, bud.

Fearing God

The phrase "Fear the Lord your God" is found in the Bible at least 27 times, most often as a command from God himself. It is important to understand that fearing God is a different type of fear than being afraid. The word "fear" as used in the Old Testament comes from the Hebrew word "yare, qal" meaning "to fear, revere, be afraid - to stand in awe of, awed, to fear, reverence, honor, respect" (Found in Strong's Concordance). When God says "Fear the Lord your God", it is a reminder to remember that in the midst of his goodness and his love, He is all-powerful, and has the capacity to do anything that He sees fit. Just because He is in control, however, doesn't mean he's going to lash out wrath upon the people He created. The thing about God that makes Him God, the reason that He is worth knowing and serving is that He has chosen to love the people of this earth despite the decisions we make and the selfish acts we perform.

I have struggled with this concept of "fearing the Lord" quite often. Someone recently asked me why I continue to seek a relationship with Jesus. I told him that originally, I wanted to know Christ more because I felt indebted to Him for his unconditional love and the sacrifice He made by taking my place of death (which I fully deserve, as does every other human who has sinned..). In response to his gift to me, I wanted to give my whole life to serving Him and telling others about His love. I sought Jesus because I feared God - that I needed to repay Him (and this wasn't the Fear of the Lord described in the Bible). It wasn't until I began going out of my comfort zone to tell others of Christ's love that I realized that the reason for seeking Christ has nothing to do with me at all. It is not because I am indebted to Him, nor is it because I want a relationship with Him. It is because of this utterly overwhelming love of Christ that I seek Him more. Once you have felt and accepted His love for what it is - nothing more, nothing less, you cannot help but want nothing but Him. And this is when the Fear of the Lord makes itself known - a pure reverence.

Angry Face

One or two of you readers might get more enjoyment out of this post than others... so, this is for you. 

Oh, the honesty of 9-year-old boys; especially those that sadly have been handed a plateful of diagnoses. 

Conversation [names withheld for confidentiality...:)]:

Me: You never stop talking, N!

N: Yeah, 'previous worker' would always say Quit giving me a headache!

Me: No, they didn't - they would never say something like that to you.

N: I know... I always knew they were joking because they didn't have their serious face.  But, when I'm acting out and I'm biting you, you say "There is NO biting!", you have your angry face on so I know you're not kiddin' around.

Me: (holding back loads of laughter) Well, I don't like being bit... but, I have an angry face?

N: Oh yeah! When you have your angry face, I know you mean business.

It's amazing to me how much can be said through facial expressions and body language. Communication definitely goes beyond words.  What allows connection, however, is the ability to discern and interpret what exactly a person is trying to communicate.  We must really hear, not just listen; see, not just view; understand, not just comprehend; and respond, not just receive.  This, is what life is all about.  Be careful what you attempt to communicate, and take extra care to really get what others are trying to say.  

Don't Spit

Have you ever stopped to think about why you're alive?  I did this week... On top of wedding stress, a terribly discouraging work week, I've managed to gain a cold... lovely.  I hate that feeling where you're not sick enough to stay home, but you're definitely sick enough to be grumpy and nonexistent.  So, because of all of this, I stopped and thought about why I'm alive.  And you know what I came up with?  Because God made me and He loves me.  Profound, huh?  No, seriously, the only reason that I'm alive is because God loves me.  There are so many things going on in my life; growing deeper in some relationships and falling depressingly away from others; learning how NOT to do my job, figuring out the most effective way to teach volleyball skills to those who know none, and trying to keep a grasp on reality as my wedding inches closer.  When you stop and really think about it - none of this matters.  God loves me and that's that.  It's enough.

I've been talking to one of my co-workers about the job and such - and let me tell you, he has plenty to say about it.  Every afternoon, there is something new to rant about, and I caught myself joining in the complaints.  What finally caught me was him voicing his disgust for being spat at (If you know anything about my job, you know this is most definitely a common occurrence).  We were talking about a former client and his experience with a former co-worker, when I realized that probably what disgusts God the most is when we spit in His face.  The tantrums, the slamming doors in faces, the biting to the point of tetanus shots - God can handle it all... but when it comes to spitting in His face, it saddens him; disgusts Him.  What I mean by spitting in God's face is that whenever we choose to complain about that which He has given us, we're saying He's not good enough - that He doesn't know what He's doing.  Whenever I choose my way over His way, I'm spitting in His face.  Ultimately, God is trying to provide the best environment for us; that which we can grow, learn, and mature... a situation where we can prosper and enjoy life to the fullest.  Don't spit in his face.  (I'm not directing that command at any one person, except maybe myself).  

Despite how discouraged I've been feeling lately, I know that God has all things planned for the best.  That may mean sticking it out, learning to persevere through tough times.  I know there is a reason I'm here and that I am involved in the activities and organizations that I am.  I'm going to trust that God knows best, and swallow the spit.

On Musical Vocalization and Mildewed Laundry

This will be very very random because I'm tired, ate too much cookie dough and think everything is funny.  Hence, another view into the rambling thoughts of Mikaela's brain. I just have to say I'm upset that it's 10:53 and I'm not asleep... unfortunately, it's all due to my own stupidity.  I started a load of laundry (which, I might add, was DESPERATELY needed!) about 20 minutes ago and therefore cannot go to bed until it's done in the washer.  There is this terrible plague that happens to clothes left in the washer... it's called "smells like mildew".  Yeah, it's a serious problem, and a technical term.  One of my biggest pet peeves is when a load of freshly washed clothes gets left in the washer overnight (or for a long period of time) and begins to smell like wet dog (or mildew).  It's a waste of the immense amount of water used to wash the clothes (and the amount it will take to re-wash them), a waste of detergent, which in turn creates an unnecessary additional trip to the store for more, and it just makes the clothes stink... and no one likes smelly clothes (at least I don't, and if you do... well, I'm not to judge so I'll keep my mouth shut on that one - but you might need therapy).  So, here I sit, counting down the minutes and listening very intently to the different noises of the washing machine to figure out where it is in its cycle.  Currently, it sounds like it's on the "final spin" stage, which is great news.

Okay, yes, so I'm tired and funny (uh huh, I'm laughing at myself - which is quite rare, and some of you may not realize how odd it really is to think yourself to be funny and laugh at your own clever thoughts!).  Oh... washer is now winding down, which means I have a very brief moment to complete my rambling thought on musical vocalization.  I just want to say that God definitely appreciates musical talent - it talks all through the Bible about angels, prophets, kings, common people singing praise to the Lord.  So, I think He meant for us to use our voices in a musical way.  Therefore, if you are capable of singing beautifully (without needed your head to be popped because it's full of hot air), you should use your voice to praise God and to bless others.  If I had the capability, I would sing for others, but God gave me other talents instead.  Still though, I do my best to worship God through song as often as I can.  I have discovered though, that music and people singing brings me great joy and puts a smile on my face.  One of my favorite things EVER is to have someone sing to me, and I love even the little things such as voicemails of a song I like sung by someone I like - it can really brighten a person's day.  You should try it - it might make you feel pretty darn good too! :) I think singing lifts anyone up; you can't help but be calmed if you're upset and made happy if you're angry when there's music around.  Everyone should love it.  

Okay, I really have no idea what all that I just wrote says, and I'm not going to take the time right now to read over it... because, the laundry finished, I got it in the dryer, and now I'm going to try and close my tired eyes and sleep... Changing the laundry did prompt another random thought though, and if anyone has a theory or answer regarding the following statement, you better inform me on it because I've been trying forever to figure it out - why the heck do we so often end up with only 1/2 a pair of socks after the laundry is done?? What happens to the missing sock?

I'll leave you with that one to ponder.  Go sing.

Completely Prideful

This post, I must warn, will have absolutely zero metaphoric significance, and lacks depth in thought.  I just have to share that I know my country music way too well.  

Unfortunately, Mac and I brought a U-haul back from Corvallis this weekend which left each of us driving the same very long drive in two separate cars... and my phone died.  So, as for lack of entertainment, after praying for a significant amount of time and listening to a variety of sermons and radio news channels, I tuned into the lately-avoided country music station (I listen to it WAY too much, almost as much as I drink coffee).  Well, they happened to be playing a game where you had to name the title and artist of the top five songs in their weekly country music hit countdown.  I just want everyone to know, that had my phone not died, I most definitely would have called in because I rocked that quiz...

#5 - "Don't think I don't think about it" - Darius Rucker

#4- "I Still Miss You" - Keith Anderson

#3 -  "You Look Good in My Shirt" - Keith Urban

#2 - "Waitin' on a Woman" - Brad Paisley

#3- "Do You Believe Me Now?" - Jimmy Wayne

Like I said, post lacks significance and any thought-provoking sonnets.. just wanted to say I'm proud and embarrassed that I knew the top 5 country songs of the week... and why I knew them within the first 3 seconds of the song, I'll leave for you to decide.

Jiffy Lube

I strongly dislike going to JiffyLube (yes, I used the words "strongly disliked" because the "H" word is not allowed with my kids - notice I refrained from the word kiddos - and therefore it would be hypocritical to use it).  Pardon the rambling side note, point is, I do not like going to get the oil changed.  I was trying to figure out exactly what it is that causes me to not want to go.  It's not the waiting or the always awkward conversations with the mechanics.  In all honesty, I despise it because they always try to give me free services! 

"You've got a few rock chips in your windshield - we can fix them for free, do you want us to?" Me being the amazingly independent adult that I am, always has to call up Daddy to make sure it's okay, and of course, he always says no.  We absolutely refuse to get free service.  

While the way I'm verbalizing this scenario seems awfully ridiculous, it's true.  We don't like to get free things because there is always a catch, right?  The nice men at Jiffy Lube only want to fix the rock chips because they get something out of it... somehow, they're still going to charge me even though they said it was free.  There is no way I can owe them nothing for their services.  No such thing as free in our world.

I find it's the same way with accepting God's grace.  So many people, myself included, cannot just accept that God desires to forgive us, no matter what we do, and accept us into his family. It is a FREE gift to be saved and GIVEN eternal life in heaven.  (Heaven, by the way, is going to be way, way, way, better than life as we currently know it).  Yet we still somehow cannot accept his offer.  At least for me, I always feel like I owe Him something... that I need to earn his grace and love.  My inability to accept what God has offered has turned out to be incredibly binding.  I desperately wish to find myself at the place of complete surrender that I used to be in.  

There is a beautiful freedom that comes from surrendering all control and selfish desires to the throne of God.  There is comfort in knowing that the One who created you and loves you unconditionally is going to take care of you.  It's just that point between letting go and freedom that is the hardest, and utterly painful.  It's what I'm trying to do, though - to trust that there are no catches to the free gift and just accept it.  Then, and then only, will I be free and feel joy in my heart once again.

Perpetual Smiling Man

I will start out by saying that this post is going to completely lack structure and may appear to be a window into the rambling ways of Mikaela's mind... yes, after all, I have entitle this blog "Rambling Thoughts".  It does indeed have a point, but how I arrive at that point will be entirely up to my fingers and the connection my brain makes between my thoughts and my ability to type them in an organized fashion.  Bear with me.

First of all, I've come to find out that there are a handful of people who can brighten up my day at any given moment.  It's true - no matter how absolutely horrid the previous happenings of my agenda were, a certain somebody can boost everything.  God certainly blessed me because the man I'm marrying, among others, happens to be at the forefront that small handful!  

Then, there are the people who I hardly ever talk to, but when I hear their voice after what seems to be decades (even if it's only been a few weeks or if it's been a couple years!), I become absolutely ecstatic.  Oh yes, that most certainly occurred today - lucky for me, more than once!  And let me inform you - the surprises could not have come on a more perfect day...

So, there are the people who constantly brighten up your day because their love for you is so apparent and because you love them so much you can't help but smile when you even think about them... And there are the people who wander in and out of your life who make you jump for joy.  Some lucky, extra-special souls fall in both categories.  And then, there are the people who you really don't know at all, and never really will know, but somehow, their joy is so apparent that you can't help but feel good.

Yes, I am talking about the Perpetual Smiling Man.  Okay, it's a term we made up; a nickname, if you will, for a specific man who has stuck in our heads.  Maybe everyone has met someone like him, I don't know.  What is certain is that this man is ALWAYS smiling.  He's standing in front of a few thousand college students (on their first week back, mind you) in the rain talking about how we're going to spend the whole day serving the community... and he can't wipe this incredible smile off his face!  Now, he's in an auditorium full of us, talking about a very serious issue, and still that smile is there.  I run into him in a different setting, and what do you know - yes, you guessed it, smiling.  It's not one of those cheesy, fake smiles either... it's a genuine, "I've got the joy, joy, joy, joy down in my heart" smile.  

For a while, we just laughed at him, Mac and I.  Perpetual Smiling Man is ALWAYS smiling - what's up with that?? And then I realized - he's got it.  Perpetual Smiling Man is probably the best nickname one could ever want.  He understands the fullness of true joy that comes from salvation and accepting God's grace... Perpetual Smiling Man wants everyone else to experience the same joy he has, all because of what Christ has done for him.  It doesn't matter what happens in this life, we have something to perpetually smile about.  Today, I don't know what it was that brought Perpetual Smiling Man to conversation, but I am certainly grateful.  I hope that he knows how many lives he's touched just by wearing that grin on his face.  Maybe we could all use a little lesson in happiness, and I think Perpetual Smiling Man has helped bring me one step closer to demonstrating true joy.

Crazy Love

So, I picked up this book today from Borders called "Crazy Love" by Pastor Francis Chan.  The story of me finding this particular book was quite the story in itself, and therefore, I could not help but purchase it.  Francis Chan is an incredibly gifted speaker, whom I first heard in 9th grade at Winter Youth Celebration.  My best friend currently goes to his church down in CA, but hearing about Francis is not the important part - it's his message.  Let's just say that the way he speaks makes one view God in a completely different manner than ever before.  I guarantee you listen to one minute of something this man says, and your relationship with God will be altered.  

It's definitely not comfortable, because as his book says, "change is painful".  We don't like change and certainly do not like someone rocking our comfort boat.  But trust me, we all need a life-transformation when it comes to relationships, especially a relationship with God.  

On that note, I've read the first chapter of his first book (which is brand new, by the way), and already I am highly recommending it.  I know you're probably super busy, whether it be school, kids, or work - there are plenty of excuses to skip out.  I'm thinking though, based on personal experience, that if you read this book, you will find that whatever it is that is keeping you busy is really not going to matter at all.  I highly recommend that you take $13.99 + tax out of your wallet/savings, and spend 5 minutes of your morning as long as it takes, to read this book. Seriously - at least start by checking out the webpage: http://www.crazylovebook.com/ 

If you want a tiny taste of how Francis thinks - go to http://www.juststopandthink.com/ and watch the short video first.  Believe me, my life is being transformed at this exact minute, and I can't help but share it with you!  Try it out... honestly.  It'll give you something to think about, if nothing else.  

Rotten

Have you ever stopped to think about how amazing the love of God actually is?  Sometimes it takes much more than pausing in my day to be moved by the unconditional love he has showed us.  Yesterday, for example, took much more than a moment.  

In all honesty, I feel pretty downright rotten.  The worst thing, in my opinion, is to hurt the ones that I love.  While the pain brought upon my loved one may not have been intentional, there certainly was a lack of intentionality in how I show my love.  Someone once told me (actually multiple times) that she can see how important loyalty is to me.  "Mikaela," she said, "you are the most loyal person I have ever met.  I can see that you feel loved based on commitment and loyalty."  And then, here I go... proving to be disloyal in my heart.  I feel absolutely rotten. 

I don't know about you, but when I reach that point of absolute blackness in my soul, all I want to do is crawl in a hole and run away from all that I have hurt.  I have a very hard time accepting love when I realize I have been unloving.  Last night, though, I found myself in a situation that I could not escape.  I was told I cannot be forgiven by the human power of any person.  Still, though, my loved one finds it within himself to forgive me and to show me the unconditional love God has showed him.  Thank you, my love, for being a vessel of Christ's love to me.  It is only by the grace of God, the unconditional love of the Almighty King, that I can be washed white as snow and forgiven.  The truth is, hearing that truth broke me.  Why anyone, especially the only One who has ultimate power and creativity, would choose to die a brutal death, and then raise again for ME, a black-hearted, disloyal no-one, is beyond my comprehension.  Truth breaks us in the most beautiful way ever imaginable. 

It is taking me time to face the music; to face all that I am afraid of, and run into the loving arms of grace instead of running away.  Finding myself in this exact place of disparity again is inevitable.  We are continually in dire need of salvation.   Graciously for us, there is hope - a Savior who waits for us to reach this point of brokenness so he can shower us with his unconditional love.  Be washed white as snow.

"Snow" - By Jon Foreman

Have mercy on me, oh God 
According to Your unfailing love 
According to Your great compassion 
Blot out my transgressions 
Create in me a clean heart, oh God 
Restore in me the joy of Your salvation 
The sacrifices of our God are a broken and a contrite heart 
Against You and You alond have I sinned 
Would You create in me a clean heart, oh God 
Restore in me the joy of my salvation 
Wash me white as snow 
And I will be made whole 
Wash me white as snow 
And I will be made whole

No Whining

whined, whin·ing, noun

–verb (used without object)

1.	to utter a low, usually nasal, complaining cry or sound, as from uneasiness, discontent, peevishness, etc.: The puppies were whining from hunger.

2.	to snivel or complain in a peevish, self-pitying way: He is always whining about his problems.

–verb (used with object)

3.	to utter with or as if with a whine: I whined my litany of complaints.

–noun

4.	a whining utterance, sound, or tone.

5.	a feeble, peevish complaint.

I just want everyone* to know that whining is ridiculous.  There will be no whining.  It ruins your day and my day**.  The End.

*Side note: I am a culprit of whining.  Therefore, this rant is directed at myself.

**Footnote: Ask me how my day was.

I have this inevitable tendency to stuff things down.  Whether good or bad, I'm not quite sure, but God allowed me the ability to hide what's really going on inside me.  Viewing my current state of being, I'm wondering if it is truly the best option to pretend something is not real or to ignore a dire truth.  

Vulnerability contains some incredible aspect of freedom.  There is freedom in revealing the hurts and joys of your inmost being.  A release of true emotion gives two people intimacy beyond physical ability.  It's hard to find those people with whom vulnerability comes naturally, and when you find them, you never want to let them go.  Discovering why this is took me some time, but I think I finally figured out.  All of us long to be safe, to feel secure.  Only God can provide that safety and security, but we, as humans (imperfect in nature), require tangible evidence of such comfort.  Therefore, the Lord of all grace gave us each other to serve as vessels, carrying God's provision to one another.  He has handpicked every connection between two people, allowing some to create bonds that, in an instant, break down the barriers of self-disgust and saving face.  Other bonds, while taking more time to cross the bridge, are also meant to last a lifetime.  I experience nothing but amazement with those few-and-far-between relationships come into my life and I find freedom.  Freedom in utter vulnerability; in complete and reckless abandon of any self-service.  It is there, in the midst of unveiled honesty, that God meets us... together.  

Thank you the Lord for his constant effort to reach our stone-cold hearts...

Songs

God is a lover of music... I know it because from the very beginning, songs have been written in expression of joy, of sorrow, of victory, and of pain.  All the way back in Genesis, one could find songs written by the Israelites as God proved faithful to save them from the enemy.  The Lord requests that we sing songs of praise; the angels lift their voices high to sing out "Hallelujah". Everyone carries the potential for a song in their souls.

I find myself longing for words sometimes, and all I can do is look up the lyrics to a song already written.  The mix of poetry and melody soothes my heart in a way unexplainable, yet I think everyone would understand my connection.  In times of depression, I ache to sit down at my most prized worldly possession (my piano) and let out all that is kept within me through the flow of my fingers over the black and whites.  Music is the universal language - everyone understands the mood, emotion, and message of songs, no matter what the words are.  Myself quite experienced in language barriers, I love that music can bring two very different people who are far away, unbelievably close.  I guess in all this rambling, I just want to thank God for the gift of music and for blessing certain people with the talent of song-writing.  On that note, when you lack words, when you are in need of comfort, go find a song.  You'll know the one.

My favorite lyrics of all time are "Worlds Apart" by Jars of Clay...

Hiking with a Prince and a Treasure

I wrote this a couple months ago, and although long, I do believe it is worth sharing...

How do I begin to describe what is going on inside me right now?  It's not that I'm experience any new exuberant difference within, nor is it that I do not feel emptiness.  Or maybe it is emptiness.  If it was emptiness that I sense, though, how would I know that it's there?  Emptiness has no feeling; emptiness has no content.  It's nothing.  So, how would I be able to know that it is there inside me, leaving me empty?  Empty is not a word one uses to describe life.  On the contrary, empty is a word of nothingness.  You find the remains of a good drink empty. A sold house, a poor widow, an abandoned barn, a neglected mailbox, an indebted kitchen, a still water, a starless sky, a silent choir, a sick tree. All empty. These things are full of nothingness, not life. So why is it that this word “empty” comes to mind when I think about my heart, my soul, my being at this very moment. I, indeed, am not nothing, and I am certainly not lifeless… if I were, these words would not be appearing before my eyes. Empty. I cannot describe it, yet there it is. It is as if I’m lost; lost from what brings my heart joy; lost from the path that I am destined for. How I lost my way, I am not sure, but the path I am on now is lonely. Not dark, not scary, not nightmarish, just lonely. I find myself walking on a path with no adventurous hills, without the sound of a mountain creek and the sunlight dancing through the canopy of treetops. The sound is absent because there is no creek; the light because there are no treetops. It’s just a plain, bare path, leading to, well… nothing. Everything is gray. Not black, not dark, just gray. I feel that once upon a time, in my fairytale dream with a prince so divine I could hardly believe he loved me, I was walking through the exciting, diverse terrain of a mountain trail. My prince took be by the hand and said, “never will I leave you, nor will I forsake you… follow me.” Where did I go wrong? As the journey continued, our adventure pressing forward, my prince would stop and say, “I’m so glad I get to spend today with you. I have something for you, just to show you how much I love you!” and there, he would present me with a gift; sometimes, it was a companion to join us on our journey. Sometimes, it was an asset to equip me on our hike. Other gifts were simply luxuries, a splendid surprise to refresh my spent being. Every gift he presented to me was always accompanied by these words: “Use it for my glory.” The last gift he gave me has been my most treasured gift yet. He said to wait; that he was going ahead to prepare the path for me, but this gift, my treasure, would surely lead me back to his hand. my prince let go of my hand, replacing his grasp with the grasp of another; my treasure. He told me to trust the gift to lead me back to him. He also reminded me not to forget what we were looking for. I did not understand, until now. This path I’m on now; I do not know how I found it. I can’t seem to find what I am looking for. I still trust the gift he’s given me, as my treasure has never once let go of my hand. Nor I have not forgotten what I am looking for; I am looking for my prince. More than anything, I want to hear that heartbeat of love, to sense that rush of tender enthrallment that my prince once showered over me. If I listen closely, I can still hear his words… he tells me to keep walking, to keep holding the hand of my treasure; to quiet down and be open to the timid heartbeat, the soft trickle that my treasure wants to speak to me. He cannot, by any means, be all to me that my prince once was. But, he does desire to lead me back to my prince and to speak to me. Just trust and believe. I only want one thing… I want my treasure and I to walk by the soothing waters again; to dance in the warmth of the holy son shining through the treetops. I want us to get off this gray path, this empty path and to find joy and song together. Most of all, I want us to find our prince together; to take turns leading each other closer and closer to where he is; to where he has prepared a place for us. This is my desire.

To start...

I have always wanted to do a blog, but its popularity has caused me to hold off.  If you know me at all, you know that I do not like to do what everyone else does, and I certainly do not like to involve myself in anything cliche.  However, writing is a release for me; a hidden passion that I tend to keep to myself.  As I've been praying, I realized that hoarding my God-inspired thoughts may be selfish, and therefore, I have chosen to start posting some reflections.  Certainly I do not wish to offend or transform anyone, but simply desire to inspire and allow God to speak through me for those who wish to read.  With that said, I know this blog will be sporadic - most definitely not a journal of my daily activities, but simply a place to share the revelations and inspirations that I find when in the presence of my Lord and Savior.  May your heart and mind be open to whatever the Lord would have you experience through my words.