How do I begin to describe what is going on inside me right now? It's not that I'm experience any new exuberant difference within, nor is it that I do not feel emptiness. Or maybe it is emptiness. If it was emptiness that I sense, though, how would I know that it's there? Emptiness has no feeling; emptiness has no content. It's nothing. So, how would I be able to know that it is there inside me, leaving me empty? Empty is not a word one uses to describe life. On the contrary, empty is a word of nothingness. You find the remains of a good drink empty. A sold house, a poor widow, an abandoned barn, a neglected mailbox, an indebted kitchen, a still water, a starless sky, a silent choir, a sick tree. All empty. These things are full of nothingness, not life. So why is it that this word “empty” comes to mind when I think about my heart, my soul, my being at this very moment. I, indeed, am not nothing, and I am certainly not lifeless… if I were, these words would not be appearing before my eyes. Empty. I cannot describe it, yet there it is. It is as if I’m lost; lost from what brings my heart joy; lost from the path that I am destined for. How I lost my way, I am not sure, but the path I am on now is lonely. Not dark, not scary, not nightmarish, just lonely. I find myself walking on a path with no adventurous hills, without the sound of a mountain creek and the sunlight dancing through the canopy of treetops. The sound is absent because there is no creek; the light because there are no treetops. It’s just a plain, bare path, leading to, well… nothing. Everything is gray. Not black, not dark, just gray. I feel that once upon a time, in my fairytale dream with a prince so divine I could hardly believe he loved me, I was walking through the exciting, diverse terrain of a mountain trail. My prince took be by the hand and said, “never will I leave you, nor will I forsake you… follow me.” Where did I go wrong? As the journey continued, our adventure pressing forward, my prince would stop and say, “I’m so glad I get to spend today with you. I have something for you, just to show you how much I love you!” and there, he would present me with a gift; sometimes, it was a companion to join us on our journey. Sometimes, it was an asset to equip me on our hike. Other gifts were simply luxuries, a splendid surprise to refresh my spent being. Every gift he presented to me was always accompanied by these words: “Use it for my glory.” The last gift he gave me has been my most treasured gift yet. He said to wait; that he was going ahead to prepare the path for me, but this gift, my treasure, would surely lead me back to his hand. my prince let go of my hand, replacing his grasp with the grasp of another; my treasure. He told me to trust the gift to lead me back to him. He also reminded me not to forget what we were looking for. I did not understand, until now. This path I’m on now; I do not know how I found it. I can’t seem to find what I am looking for. I still trust the gift he’s given me, as my treasure has never once let go of my hand. Nor I have not forgotten what I am looking for; I am looking for my prince. More than anything, I want to hear that heartbeat of love, to sense that rush of tender enthrallment that my prince once showered over me. If I listen closely, I can still hear his words… he tells me to keep walking, to keep holding the hand of my treasure; to quiet down and be open to the timid heartbeat, the soft trickle that my treasure wants to speak to me. He cannot, by any means, be all to me that my prince once was. But, he does desire to lead me back to my prince and to speak to me. Just trust and believe. I only want one thing… I want my treasure and I to walk by the soothing waters again; to dance in the warmth of the holy son shining through the treetops. I want us to get off this gray path, this empty path and to find joy and song together. Most of all, I want us to find our prince together; to take turns leading each other closer and closer to where he is; to where he has prepared a place for us. This is my desire.
No comments:
Post a Comment