Rotten

Have you ever stopped to think about how amazing the love of God actually is?  Sometimes it takes much more than pausing in my day to be moved by the unconditional love he has showed us.  Yesterday, for example, took much more than a moment.  

In all honesty, I feel pretty downright rotten.  The worst thing, in my opinion, is to hurt the ones that I love.  While the pain brought upon my loved one may not have been intentional, there certainly was a lack of intentionality in how I show my love.  Someone once told me (actually multiple times) that she can see how important loyalty is to me.  "Mikaela," she said, "you are the most loyal person I have ever met.  I can see that you feel loved based on commitment and loyalty."  And then, here I go... proving to be disloyal in my heart.  I feel absolutely rotten. 

I don't know about you, but when I reach that point of absolute blackness in my soul, all I want to do is crawl in a hole and run away from all that I have hurt.  I have a very hard time accepting love when I realize I have been unloving.  Last night, though, I found myself in a situation that I could not escape.  I was told I cannot be forgiven by the human power of any person.  Still, though, my loved one finds it within himself to forgive me and to show me the unconditional love God has showed him.  Thank you, my love, for being a vessel of Christ's love to me.  It is only by the grace of God, the unconditional love of the Almighty King, that I can be washed white as snow and forgiven.  The truth is, hearing that truth broke me.  Why anyone, especially the only One who has ultimate power and creativity, would choose to die a brutal death, and then raise again for ME, a black-hearted, disloyal no-one, is beyond my comprehension.  Truth breaks us in the most beautiful way ever imaginable. 

It is taking me time to face the music; to face all that I am afraid of, and run into the loving arms of grace instead of running away.  Finding myself in this exact place of disparity again is inevitable.  We are continually in dire need of salvation.   Graciously for us, there is hope - a Savior who waits for us to reach this point of brokenness so he can shower us with his unconditional love.  Be washed white as snow.

"Snow" - By Jon Foreman

Have mercy on me, oh God 
According to Your unfailing love 
According to Your great compassion 
Blot out my transgressions 
Create in me a clean heart, oh God 
Restore in me the joy of Your salvation 
The sacrifices of our God are a broken and a contrite heart 
Against You and You alond have I sinned 
Would You create in me a clean heart, oh God 
Restore in me the joy of my salvation 
Wash me white as snow 
And I will be made whole 
Wash me white as snow 
And I will be made whole