Tuesday, December 7, 2010

Barely breathing

Lifehouse has some amazing songs, and this one is the closest to describing my barely beating heart now.  I'm so thankful that the Lord holds on to us and pulls us through when times are hard!



The broken clock is a comfort
It helps me sleep tonight
Maybe it can start tomorrow
From stealing all my time

And i am here still waiting
Though i still have my doubts
I am damaged at best
Like you've already figured out

I'm falling apart
I'm barley breathing
With a broken heart
That's still beating
In the pain
There is healing
In your name
I find meaning
So i'm holding on
I'm holding on
I'm holding on
I'm barely holding on to you

The broken locks were a warning
You got inside my head
I tried my best to be guarded
I'm an open book instead

And i still see your reflection
Inside of my eyes
That are looking for purpose
They're still looking for life

I'm falling apart
I'm barely breathing
With a broken heart
That's still beating

In the pain
(in the pain)
Is there healing?
In your name
(in your name)
I find meaning

So i'm holding on
(i'm still holding)
I'm holding on
(i'm still holding)
I'm holding on
(i'm still holding)
I'm barely holding on to you

I'm hanging on another day
Just to see what you will throw my way
And i'm hanging on to the words you say
You said that i will be okay

Broken lights on the freeway
Left me here alone
I may have lost my way now
I haven't forgotten my way home

I'm falling apart
I'm barely breathing
With a broken heart
That's still beating

In the pain
(in the pain)
There is healing
In your name
(in your name)
I find meaning

So i'm holding on
(i'm still holding)
I'm holding on
(i'm still holding)
I'm holding on
(i'm still holding)
I'm barely holding on to you

I'm holding on
(i'm still holding)
I'm holding on
(i'm still holding)
I'm holding on
(i'm still holding)
I'm barely holding on to you

Wednesday, December 1, 2010

That's the way it ought to be...

I have a very unique blessing in my life of many, many kindred spirits.  The Lord has overwhelmed me with friends who I know will be by my side forever, supporting me, and lifting me up when I need it most.  One of those dearly cherished souls sent me this song the other day, and it brought tears to my eyes.  I am humbled to know that I am able to make others feel safe, secure, and blessed just as I have been... So, Mish, I'm posting this one for you, in the midst of hard times.  Thank you to you, and many others, including my WEASels, Amy and Cory who fight off my enemies and speak truth over my life...

More Than You'll Ever Know by Watermark

Something brought you to my mind today 
I thought about the funny ways you make me laugh 
And yet I feel like it's okay to cry with you 
Something about just being with you 
When I leave I feel like I've been near God 
And that's the way it ought to be... 


CHORUS:
'Cause you've been more than a friend to me 
You fight off my enemies 
'Cause you've spoken the Truth over my life 
And you'll never know what it means to me 
Just to know you've been on your knees for me 
Oh, you have blessed my life 
More than you'll ever know, yeah, yeah, yeah 
More than you'll ever know, yeah, yeah, yeah 

You had faith, 
when I had none 
You prayed God would bring me a brand new song 
When I didn't think I could find the strength to sing 
And all the while I'm hoping that I'll 
Do the kind of praying for you that you've done for me 
And that's the way it ought to be... 


You have carried me 
You have taken upon a burden that wasn't your own 
And may the blessing return to you 
A hundredfold, oh yeah... 
A hundredfold, oh yeah...


Wednesday, November 24, 2010

Thanksgiving

Well, it's cliche', but seeing as it's Thanksgiving tomorrow, it's time to say thank you to my Lord and Savior for the wonderful blessings in my life.  My eloquent writing skills are far from gone after the surge to get things ready at work and home for a four-day trip to the wonderfully peaceful town of Cashmere.  That being said, we'll go with the beloved bullet-pointed list.  If you follow my blog, despite its sparsity, you are already familiar with my affection for lists.

Happy Thanksgiving!

I am thankful for...


  • First and foremost, the unconditional love and grace of God and His willingness to forgive me and bless me with salvation for eternity
  • The life-saving friendships we have grown and made this year
  • Mac: always and forever will amaze me with his patience and devotion
  • Mom: reminds me that my words, actions, and attitude have the ability to bless others and share God's love if I choose to do so
  • Dad: an overwhelming blessing of generosity and protection
  • My mother-in-law, Kathy: a beautiful, genuine soul, an example of hospitality and nurturing
  • My father-in-law, Steve: a laugh and heart after God
  • Grama: one I cherish more than most... faithfulness
  • Siblings: Brock, Stan, Nick, Anna... all examples of ambition and initiative
*The ability to be sappy and sentimental about my family, and then switch to one/two-word phrases, in no particular order...
  • A Job
  • House Church
  • Security
  • Music
  • Food
  • Coffee
  • Education
  • Warm socks
  • Technology
  • Babies
  • Smiles
  • Grace

Tuesday, November 16, 2010

Faithfulness

God's past faithfulness demands my present trust in Him.

Over the last three weeks, Pastor Rob has been leading our church through the "Stones of Remembrance" through the life and growth of Calvary Chapel Corvallis.  The most powerful message I have received his account of our church's history is summed up in the above statement.  No matter what we happen to be going through in life, God has always been faithful, currently is faithful, and will be faithful in our future.  There is never a time when we are uncared for, never a time He does not have His best interest in mind for the people He loves.  Through hard times, it is vital to feed on God's past faithfulness in order to survive.  We remember the times that He has seen us through the mire before and cling to the hope that He will remain faithful as He was during that fire-swamp.  Just as a child locks to his parent in trouble, so shall we hold fast to our Father the Protector.  He carries us through when things look destitute.  

Lamentations 3:22-23 encompasses the heart of trusting in the Lord: "Because of the Lord's great love, we are not consumed, for his compassion never fails.  They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness."  Sometimes I find myself reciting this verse over and over in my head, just to convince myself that we will, in fact, survive.  I must confess that I have faced minimal trials in my 23 years of life.  I will not share my entire book of life now, but I am constantly reminded how truly blessed and protected I have always been.  I thank the Lord for the testimonies of others who dwarf my faith and encourage me to see the fulness of God in a bigger light.  However, trials never cease in this life.  We live in a fallen world, plagued by the sin of all mankind.   Thus, we suffer.  Many pains are brought on myself by my own selfish ambition.  Others appear entirely unexplainable, far from fair, and seemingly unbearable.  And those are the moments in which we must hold onto the absolute truth that we will never be consumed because of the Lord's great consumed.  Though it feels as if we are drowning, never will be overtaken.  The Lord's compassion is never failing.  God's faithfulness depends neither on what we can observe nor on our perception.  

There will also be chapters in this book of life when things are fantastic.  Life goes smoothly, amazing blessings happen, everything is comfortable and secure.  It is in those moments we tend to forget the goodness and favor of our amazing Creator.  When things are good, it is easier to loosen our grip on God.  Friends, what I find is that it is in the good times that we need our Lord the most. 

The world will continue to deceive us.  We fix our eyes on financial stability, relational satisfaction, job security, covetous possessions.  Surely God created this world, everything in it, and gave man the ability to create new things to be enjoyed.  However, the moment it becomes more desirable than our relationship with Him, we sin.  We lose sight of what is most important, not only one what is most important, but on the only truth that is important.  

Ask yourself this:  Would you trade in all your money for one day with our God?  Would you give up your marriage, your relationship, your family if God reached out His hand to you and asked you to leave it all behind?  Would you give up your earthly body, your quest for perfection to be covered by His beauty?  Would you give up new clothes, the perfect job, your favorite food, simply to spend one second in His glorious presence?  It saddens me that I do not immediately shout "YES" to all these questions.  Humbly, ashamed, I merely hope I would nod.  The truth of the matter is, I love things too much.  I love my family too much.  It is time to begin caring less. 

Care less about life here on this earth.  Put your focus heavenward.  Store up your treasures in heaven.  All things here will come to an end, but God's love endures forever.  Hold on and never let go.

Monday, October 25, 2010

Valley

Jars of Clay captures my very heart today.

You have led me to the sadness
I have carried this pain
On a back bruised, nearly broken
I'm crying out to you

Chorus

I will sing of Your mercy
That leads me through valleys of sorrow
To rivers of joy

When death like a Gypsy
Comes to steal what I love
I will still look to the heavens
I will still seek your face

But I fear you aren't listening
Because there are no words
Just the stillness and the hunger
For a faith that assures

While we wait for rescue
With our eyes tightly shut
Face to the ground using our hands
To cover the fatal cut

And though the pain is an ocean
Tossing us around, around, around
You have calmed greater waters
Higher mountains have come down

Alleluia, alleluia
Alleluia, alleluia

Oh, Lord sing of Your mercy,
Mercy
Your mercy

Wednesday, October 6, 2010

Filth

Do you ever have those moments where you can't believe you've actually done something?  I sometimes wonder how I ever get to a place in my life where I am unaware of my actions, my thoughts, or the affect they have on others around me.  No matter how hard I try to reach perfection, to be a "good person", to put others first, or to live a pure and holy life, I seem to fail.

Pure and holy.  A concept that is far displaced from our fallen world, and often absent from my own life.  To live in a way that honors God in all moments, both in what is hidden and exposed.  And while we put on a facade of a sparkling, white life, we fail to realize just how far sunk we are in the own disgusting mire and muck of our sin.  No one is holy, no one is righteous.  Holiness has the ability to stand before God the Creator completely naked and bear no hint of shame.  Purity reflects a lifestyle of honest, transparent beauty, that should a light be held up to it, it will shine right through.

My life lacks all traces of transparent, raw beauty.  Instead, I put on the act each day... I wear the pressed clothes, I glue a fake smile to my face, I say kosher things and try to be nice.  Deep inside, though, where noone else can see, is a broken, vomitous soul.  If you etch away the white coating, you would find nothing but ashen black; charred, muddied filth.

Everything about my existence sickens me.  I think about the things I have said or done in my life over the years and find myself wishing I could take them back.  If only I could make up for my mistakes, for the ways I've hurt other people, for the sins I've committed against my Maker.

I see the Lord, seated on His throne, exalted.  While the train of His robe fills the temple with glory, I see but a sad tear fall from his eye.  His heart breaks over the selfish choices His child makes, and He can't do anything but hope she returns to His arms, where she belongs.  It is not til I lift my face out of the muck and slime that I realize, His robe is covering me... He covers my shame, he covers my guilt... and as I rise to my feet, choosing to leave my life of sin and selfishness, I feel his warmth and grace wash over me, releasing the weight I've been carrying.  Oh, how He loves us, so much to lift us up out of our darkest moments, to cover me and wash me white as snow.

Oh, Father above, make me whole.  Wash me white as snow.  Forgive me my transgressions.  Lead me back to the Cross; to your healing grace.  Wrap me safe in your arms.  Lord, save me from myself.

Wednesday, September 22, 2010

Sometimes...

... my brain stops working.  It seems there is so much to say, yet no words form on my fingertips.  My mind is swarming with indistinct thoughts, none of which I can organize.  The chaos inside has a dizzying effect on my ability to function.  I long for serenity.  To have a calm, smooth blankness would be suffice.  Rarely do I request anything without explanation or clarity.  Out of desperation, I simply wish for peace.