Improvement

I sucked it up and went to the children's hospital today to see N.  This was incredibly difficult for me for three reasons - 1.) I really despise hospitals and trying to navigate my way around them. 2.) I dread any interaction with N's parents. 3.) Most importantly, I didn't think I could handle seeing N this way.

I'll give the good news first.  N was moved out of PICU (Pediatric) at about noon today and put in general pediatrics.  He is now considered "awake" (Out of the coma!!), and took two steps with help on command this morning.  He seemed pretty alert when I was there - I took him "The Little Engine That Could" and a stuffed animal monkey (because N once told me he was a monkey and he loves to climb EVERYTHING).  When I put the monkey on his lap, he grabbed it with his right hand and started bouncing it up and down on the rail, as if it was walking... he made lots of noises while doing this, and when I talked to him, he looked at me, though I'm not sure he recognized me, it was good to see that he was responding to other people.

The tough news - N can't talk.  He makes lots of noises, but they are all grunts and coos.  His eyes are only part open, but his mom said they are the most open they've been yet... which means there's improvement, which is good.  He is showing limited use of his left side which could be a result of many things, but the main point is - we want him to start using that side.  He would try and sit up to play with the monkey but fall over on his left side because his left arm was still behind him.  He was very agitated, which is not all that abnormal, considering it's N.  It's going to be very slow going, but as I said before, this kid's a fighter.  He's showing us all he's going to be okay.  He'll need lots of PT, Speech Therapy, and others, but he'll be okay.  I hope.

Prayer - pray for patience of the doctors and N's parents; trying to keep this kid in a hospital bed hooked up to machines will be no easy task.  Pray that he continues to improve and that they discover what is causing the immobility of his left side.  Pray that as he improves, the issues of his life after hospital will work out, and that if at all possible, he can be put in a safe home. 

Thank you, everyone for your prayers and concerns... it means a lot to me, and I know N would be ecstatic if he knew he was the center of so many people's attention.

Hate

A lot of my previous posts (which I apologize for being so scarce lately) have been inspired by the wonderful little boy that I spend most of my afternoons with.  To completely disregard the fact that he is a handful, often verbally and physically attempts to hurt me, and just sometimes is plain difficult would be untruthful.  But, underneath it all, I have come to grow and cherish the little guy; he is sincere beyond belief - and truly has a tender heart when it comes down to it. 

This post is inspired by him as well, and is seemingly difficult for me to write.  Over the past two days, I've been bottling up emotions and thoughts that I need to let out. 

Thirty-six hours ago I found out that this nine-year-old boy I've been working with for the last four months was hit by a car when riding his bike without a helmet.  He was life-flighted to the children's hospital in Spokane where he is in ICU, in a coma, suffering traumatic brain injury.  I don't know all the details, but all I know is it's not looking good.  When I first listened to the message I was in complete shock.  When I actually talked to someone about it, I was incredibly saddened, scared, but in all honestly, mostly angry.  I have never struggled with hating people, but this situation has brought out a new feeling of anger and rage that I have never experienced.  Because of confidentiality and my conscience, I cannot share the details behind this emotion.  NB deserved more than this and I just wish I could do something about it.  All I can do right now, though, is cry and feel sick, and try everything to focus on Thanksgiving instead of this awful event.  And in the midst of it all, I keep trying to suppress the feeling of my throat closing up and my lung being compressed by an heavy black burden.  

More to come on NB when I can pull myself together.  Pray for the ones I hate, pray for me that I will forgive, pray for the innocent 19-year-old girl that hit NB... but mostly, please, please, please, pray hardest for my little buddy.  He's a fighter.  Pull through, bud.

Fearing God

The phrase "Fear the Lord your God" is found in the Bible at least 27 times, most often as a command from God himself. It is important to understand that fearing God is a different type of fear than being afraid. The word "fear" as used in the Old Testament comes from the Hebrew word "yare, qal" meaning "to fear, revere, be afraid - to stand in awe of, awed, to fear, reverence, honor, respect" (Found in Strong's Concordance). When God says "Fear the Lord your God", it is a reminder to remember that in the midst of his goodness and his love, He is all-powerful, and has the capacity to do anything that He sees fit. Just because He is in control, however, doesn't mean he's going to lash out wrath upon the people He created. The thing about God that makes Him God, the reason that He is worth knowing and serving is that He has chosen to love the people of this earth despite the decisions we make and the selfish acts we perform.

I have struggled with this concept of "fearing the Lord" quite often. Someone recently asked me why I continue to seek a relationship with Jesus. I told him that originally, I wanted to know Christ more because I felt indebted to Him for his unconditional love and the sacrifice He made by taking my place of death (which I fully deserve, as does every other human who has sinned..). In response to his gift to me, I wanted to give my whole life to serving Him and telling others about His love. I sought Jesus because I feared God - that I needed to repay Him (and this wasn't the Fear of the Lord described in the Bible). It wasn't until I began going out of my comfort zone to tell others of Christ's love that I realized that the reason for seeking Christ has nothing to do with me at all. It is not because I am indebted to Him, nor is it because I want a relationship with Him. It is because of this utterly overwhelming love of Christ that I seek Him more. Once you have felt and accepted His love for what it is - nothing more, nothing less, you cannot help but want nothing but Him. And this is when the Fear of the Lord makes itself known - a pure reverence.

Angry Face

One or two of you readers might get more enjoyment out of this post than others... so, this is for you. 

Oh, the honesty of 9-year-old boys; especially those that sadly have been handed a plateful of diagnoses. 

Conversation [names withheld for confidentiality...:)]:

Me: You never stop talking, N!

N: Yeah, 'previous worker' would always say Quit giving me a headache!

Me: No, they didn't - they would never say something like that to you.

N: I know... I always knew they were joking because they didn't have their serious face.  But, when I'm acting out and I'm biting you, you say "There is NO biting!", you have your angry face on so I know you're not kiddin' around.

Me: (holding back loads of laughter) Well, I don't like being bit... but, I have an angry face?

N: Oh yeah! When you have your angry face, I know you mean business.

It's amazing to me how much can be said through facial expressions and body language. Communication definitely goes beyond words.  What allows connection, however, is the ability to discern and interpret what exactly a person is trying to communicate.  We must really hear, not just listen; see, not just view; understand, not just comprehend; and respond, not just receive.  This, is what life is all about.  Be careful what you attempt to communicate, and take extra care to really get what others are trying to say.  

Don't Spit

Have you ever stopped to think about why you're alive?  I did this week... On top of wedding stress, a terribly discouraging work week, I've managed to gain a cold... lovely.  I hate that feeling where you're not sick enough to stay home, but you're definitely sick enough to be grumpy and nonexistent.  So, because of all of this, I stopped and thought about why I'm alive.  And you know what I came up with?  Because God made me and He loves me.  Profound, huh?  No, seriously, the only reason that I'm alive is because God loves me.  There are so many things going on in my life; growing deeper in some relationships and falling depressingly away from others; learning how NOT to do my job, figuring out the most effective way to teach volleyball skills to those who know none, and trying to keep a grasp on reality as my wedding inches closer.  When you stop and really think about it - none of this matters.  God loves me and that's that.  It's enough.

I've been talking to one of my co-workers about the job and such - and let me tell you, he has plenty to say about it.  Every afternoon, there is something new to rant about, and I caught myself joining in the complaints.  What finally caught me was him voicing his disgust for being spat at (If you know anything about my job, you know this is most definitely a common occurrence).  We were talking about a former client and his experience with a former co-worker, when I realized that probably what disgusts God the most is when we spit in His face.  The tantrums, the slamming doors in faces, the biting to the point of tetanus shots - God can handle it all... but when it comes to spitting in His face, it saddens him; disgusts Him.  What I mean by spitting in God's face is that whenever we choose to complain about that which He has given us, we're saying He's not good enough - that He doesn't know what He's doing.  Whenever I choose my way over His way, I'm spitting in His face.  Ultimately, God is trying to provide the best environment for us; that which we can grow, learn, and mature... a situation where we can prosper and enjoy life to the fullest.  Don't spit in his face.  (I'm not directing that command at any one person, except maybe myself).  

Despite how discouraged I've been feeling lately, I know that God has all things planned for the best.  That may mean sticking it out, learning to persevere through tough times.  I know there is a reason I'm here and that I am involved in the activities and organizations that I am.  I'm going to trust that God knows best, and swallow the spit.

On Musical Vocalization and Mildewed Laundry

This will be very very random because I'm tired, ate too much cookie dough and think everything is funny.  Hence, another view into the rambling thoughts of Mikaela's brain. I just have to say I'm upset that it's 10:53 and I'm not asleep... unfortunately, it's all due to my own stupidity.  I started a load of laundry (which, I might add, was DESPERATELY needed!) about 20 minutes ago and therefore cannot go to bed until it's done in the washer.  There is this terrible plague that happens to clothes left in the washer... it's called "smells like mildew".  Yeah, it's a serious problem, and a technical term.  One of my biggest pet peeves is when a load of freshly washed clothes gets left in the washer overnight (or for a long period of time) and begins to smell like wet dog (or mildew).  It's a waste of the immense amount of water used to wash the clothes (and the amount it will take to re-wash them), a waste of detergent, which in turn creates an unnecessary additional trip to the store for more, and it just makes the clothes stink... and no one likes smelly clothes (at least I don't, and if you do... well, I'm not to judge so I'll keep my mouth shut on that one - but you might need therapy).  So, here I sit, counting down the minutes and listening very intently to the different noises of the washing machine to figure out where it is in its cycle.  Currently, it sounds like it's on the "final spin" stage, which is great news.

Okay, yes, so I'm tired and funny (uh huh, I'm laughing at myself - which is quite rare, and some of you may not realize how odd it really is to think yourself to be funny and laugh at your own clever thoughts!).  Oh... washer is now winding down, which means I have a very brief moment to complete my rambling thought on musical vocalization.  I just want to say that God definitely appreciates musical talent - it talks all through the Bible about angels, prophets, kings, common people singing praise to the Lord.  So, I think He meant for us to use our voices in a musical way.  Therefore, if you are capable of singing beautifully (without needed your head to be popped because it's full of hot air), you should use your voice to praise God and to bless others.  If I had the capability, I would sing for others, but God gave me other talents instead.  Still though, I do my best to worship God through song as often as I can.  I have discovered though, that music and people singing brings me great joy and puts a smile on my face.  One of my favorite things EVER is to have someone sing to me, and I love even the little things such as voicemails of a song I like sung by someone I like - it can really brighten a person's day.  You should try it - it might make you feel pretty darn good too! :) I think singing lifts anyone up; you can't help but be calmed if you're upset and made happy if you're angry when there's music around.  Everyone should love it.  

Okay, I really have no idea what all that I just wrote says, and I'm not going to take the time right now to read over it... because, the laundry finished, I got it in the dryer, and now I'm going to try and close my tired eyes and sleep... Changing the laundry did prompt another random thought though, and if anyone has a theory or answer regarding the following statement, you better inform me on it because I've been trying forever to figure it out - why the heck do we so often end up with only 1/2 a pair of socks after the laundry is done?? What happens to the missing sock?

I'll leave you with that one to ponder.  Go sing.

Completely Prideful

This post, I must warn, will have absolutely zero metaphoric significance, and lacks depth in thought.  I just have to share that I know my country music way too well.  

Unfortunately, Mac and I brought a U-haul back from Corvallis this weekend which left each of us driving the same very long drive in two separate cars... and my phone died.  So, as for lack of entertainment, after praying for a significant amount of time and listening to a variety of sermons and radio news channels, I tuned into the lately-avoided country music station (I listen to it WAY too much, almost as much as I drink coffee).  Well, they happened to be playing a game where you had to name the title and artist of the top five songs in their weekly country music hit countdown.  I just want everyone to know, that had my phone not died, I most definitely would have called in because I rocked that quiz...

#5 - "Don't think I don't think about it" - Darius Rucker

#4- "I Still Miss You" - Keith Anderson

#3 -  "You Look Good in My Shirt" - Keith Urban

#2 - "Waitin' on a Woman" - Brad Paisley

#3- "Do You Believe Me Now?" - Jimmy Wayne

Like I said, post lacks significance and any thought-provoking sonnets.. just wanted to say I'm proud and embarrassed that I knew the top 5 country songs of the week... and why I knew them within the first 3 seconds of the song, I'll leave for you to decide.